Developing a Personal Relationship With Jesus
Since I’ve begun my journey toward Catholicism, a stumbling block for me has been feeling distant from Jesus. When I examine where that comes from, I think it has to do with several factors: one, it’s hard for me to believe Jesus, son of God, would want to take time for me. Also, when I read the Bible, I don’t know if it’s just me, but in the Gospel when he speaks he sounds very serious and strict, not terribly warm. Yet, we hear Jesus described as tender and loving and compassionate, which certainly we do see by his acts.
Now, I’m a writer and I know it can be difficult, if not impossible, to properly convey tone of voice and the way something is said without actually hearing it (think of the many emails we’ve all taken the wrong way :)). So I try to look at those words as more just an attempt to capture as correctly as possible what Jesus said rather than convey the emotion along with it. I feel most connected to Jesus when he was a vulnerable baby, a happy child and I’m starting to see this is OK. Jesus was all these things (baby, child, young man, grown man) and they are as much him as the Jesus of later years.
I’m reading The Story of a Soul by St. Therese de Lisieux, who declared herself Therese of the Child Jesus due to a special devotion she felt to Jesus in this part of his life. She often references her connection to the child of Jesus and his unique feelings and desires as a baby and young boy. She has also shown me what a wonderful relationship with Jesus looks like. She is so very devoted to him and full of love, more than you can imagine. She’s started to crack the walls of that love for me by showing it to me so brilliantly and I’m beginning to feel it for myself.
By spending a weekly Holy Hour with the Blessed Sacrament, I hope that too will bring me into closer communion with Jesus. After all, as with any relationship, you have to spend some time together to get to know one another :). I’m also hopeful that once I can receive the Eucharist (less than 40 days away!), that will also bring me into closer communion with our Beloved.
I also find comfort in St. Therese when she talks about many periods of darkness that she experienced throughout her life when she felt separated from the Lord. So if even a saint can experience a distance, there is hope for me yet. I suppose that much like it’s hard to know what “full” feels like unless you’ve been “hungry,” perhaps we must experience separation to know and appreciate full communion.
How has your relationship with Jesus developed?
I can empathize I wrote this to my mom before the begining of Lent
“I confess to you, that I didn’t believe in the Jesus. Sure, I believed in the Church. I went through the all the motions. Did the deeds, but they were empty. When I got tired of pretending, I left. Back then, the cross was simply a reminder of the man sent to judge me, not out of love, but out of anger and resentment. “Why can’t you get your act straight,” He would ask. “I can’t,” I would say. It was better to simply stop trying. He who expects nothing is ever disappointed. If I expected nothing of myself, perhaps Jesus would be smart enough to do the same. And so I avoided him, I avoided a relationship with him. That kind of devotion required too much of myself that I was never willing to give. I always felt it was better to sin and simply await judgment. Since I did not rely on Christ, I wouldn’t be responsible for the affliction he suffered. Not accepting Jesus was simpler, easier, better. ” I still feel that way sometimes, even though being a “lapsed” Catholic for most of my life and going all out this Lent. It’s funny I don’t covet nice cars or big houses or TV, I covet other people’s faith. I see people that love Christ, really love Christ and its such an abstract notion to me.
Perhaps I need to adopt your practice of sitting in front of the Blessed Sacerment for an hour. Perhaps that will help. See, your not even confirmed yet and your already acting the Saint, giving me something to emulate. Congraduations and may the peace of our Lord be with you always.
Andrew, thanks so much for your comment! I can completely relate to you. I too did not believe in Jesus for most of my life. I considered myself a spiritual person but didn’t think, say, one had to go to church to be a good person or go to heaven. I never thought I’d change. But for some reason — God’s will or the prayer of others past and present for me or both! — I was converted and given the gift of faith. It was an utter surprise. I would encourage you to pray daily for such a conversion of heart. It sounds like you truly desire it! Maybe the time just hasn’t been right yet. Certainly sitting with Jesus in the Blessed Sacrament and praying to him would further you along this path. One other thought, was there a saint that growing up you felt any type of affection for or felt drawn toward? Why not pray to them to intercede on your behalf for a conversion? If you can’t think of one, may I suggest Saint Therese of Lisieux – she prayed for many conversions of the most hardened hearts and was so often heard. She is a powerful intercessory saint! I will certainly add you to my prayer list as well and I hope for your conversion. Thank you so much for posting.